The ego shakes my body still
And fuels me with its beliefs.
It teaches me its “truth” – to kill,
And so I listen – so it lives.
The ego takes away the pain –
For single moment, day, a year,
It takes away this awful shame
And I forget that it is near.
The ego makes me feel so good –
It does not win if I am lost,
It craves for pain, its basic food,
But it’s afraid to pay the cost –
If ego torments me too much,
I might start searching for an end
Of pain which is the ego’s crutch
And so it offers me its hand.
The ego’s most of all afraid –
It is in terror if I’m still,
But oh, how well it does persuade! –
So subtly whispers how I feel.
It gives me pleasure of a kind,
It strives that I get fleeting highs,
It hides behind what’s in my mind
Through guile and slyness, tricks and lies.
The things it offers seem so good:
The music, that excites me so,
The books, that lighten up my mood,
The drugs, that take me down so low,
The people – which it says I need,
The power – buying others’ love,
The money – vice of mine to feed –
All worldly things, which I can’t get enough.
The ego knows its game so well –
It planned it billions years ahead!
It tricked me, put me here to dwell,
Severed my mind and made me mad.
It’ll surely go to any length
To make me mindless, without will,
To make me lose remaining strength –
It never aims to wound, but kill.
So many things so mindlessly I do,
Do strengthen ego, help it grow in me –
Unconscious things, or conscious too
Make ego strong, not letting Self to be.
For eons it’s been winning at this game,
How many lifetimes did I suffer here?
It tricks through anger, blame and shame
To do my worst, not letting my love near.
I’m tired, lost, I don’t want what it has,
I’ve suffered much – tormented billions years!
Thus ego steps away, it does torment me less,
With patience waiting while I dry my tears.
It rests so still in corners of my mind,
It knows I am afraid to look for source of pain –
With complex tales and lies defensiveness’s designed,
Through constant guilt my will does ego drain!
It is afraid so much when I’m becoming sane,
It does not want me starting on this search,
It does step back when I am tired of its game –
Behind my back it lights anew the torch.
Time passes by and I calm down,
Life seems like it’s becoming good,
And so again at many things I frown –
The ego’s back, for I supply it with new food.
This lifetime ends, I die in pain,
Rejoices ego, caring not for me,
And all my suffering does seem in vain
For I allowed my foe to be.
Yet, for a moment between lives,
Without a body I am still –
Through stillness, truth of God does rise,
I am reborn, but now I stronger feel!
As soon as body takes me back
The ego’s there, like predator in hunt,
It takes it slow my life to wreck,
It is afraid to show its hate so blunt.
It’s very patient, so it waits
For me to grow, enjoying life,
But soon again it shows just how it hates
My Self, my Love – it leads me into strife.
Life after life I’ve suffered much,
In vain it seemed – but it was not! –
Through lessons pure, through gentle touch,
I was remembering one God.
I am much stronger in this life,
The ego feels much less secure,
I am resisting pointless strife,
I am aware of its allure.
And yet —
It does its worst, and resting not,
It tries to bring the horror to my mind,
For eons strongly ego fought;
Its terror stricken now – its end to find.
This time around I know it’s there:
I’ve learned its tricks, I see its guile,
I know its hate, deception and despair –
But now I live with gentle smile –
The God Himself protects me now,
Enough I grew, remembering Him,
And when One does remember how
Love feels – the ego grows mortally dim.
The words mean less, without them ego’s weak,
I do not need to search and think,
I do not need to strive, to speak,
I simply am, no longer on the brink.
I know from where ego came,
I am aware of mistake
Which I thought real, bringing the shame,
Forgetting Love, putting all being at the stake.
With knowledge pure I walk through clouds –
No longer can the shadows on the wall
Seem real – as if tormented crowds
Are walking still in darkness of the hall.
No longer Son of God is fooled,
No longer ego rules the dream,
Enough of what seemed as its rule –
The wicked light in it grows dim.
I have the power of One God
To fuel in me the perfect Love –
The things of this world bother not,
The One who knows, who’s seen enough.