Spiritual Advance

Love holds no grievances

Tag: Death

The Climb

The darkness, wroth, and vile decay of my perception
The thoughts – my own so precious thoughts reveal
How deeply I’ve succumbed into my own deception
And having reached the depths of misery I feel,
I’ve started asking why this world appears to be
And how my eyes such suffering were taught to see.

The town of sin with dirt, that covers all but spires
Is there to tempt, submit to pain and torture me
With guilt, which rises from the depth of my desires
And leads to life so brief – yet full of misery.
Oh, wretched fate, why am I brought to knees before
My own so wicked mind, with its so wicked lore?

The spires rising into sky, unseen from down below
Are told to hide the answers to the pain I feel.
I make my way through solemn crowds, moving so slow –
With trembling hand held on the handle of my steel,
In fear concealed, my body shakes, yet I proceed –
Fear of my past makes me increase my speed.

The streets, stretch tortuously, hissing behind my back.
The dwellings welcome not a stranger from the night
The beggars stretch their arms – I stretch my soul with bigger lack –
What’s left inside of me, what is so rife but my own fright?
Determined to proceed, reflecting gazes of such hate,
I solemnly exceed the expectations of my fate.

The madmen and vile rogues walk streets of ancient town,
With hungry faces, searching eyes and stretching arms,
They’re reaching out to grab me, seize me, take me down,
Only my sword half sheathed protecting me from harms.
Yet what am I? – Myself a wicked madman too!
I am no different from them – the things I’d do! –

To find the answers of my long-forgotten past,
To end the guilt, the shame, the thoughts that tear my mind,
To be relieved of weary life for which I lust –
My eyes show me but sin – I’d rather have them blind!
Yet I’ve arrived to entrance of the ancient tower
The darkest halls inside – do lure, devour.

No one is here, no need the entrance to protect –
Only the desperate fools, with their own lives so blear,
Come searching for the answers they expect –
The ones who dare to enter – disappear.
Yet through my shame, I grew so desperate indeed,
Like Life, the Death itself has in me little need.

The halls are silent, yet alive – somehow I feel
The presence, that cannot be seen with human eyes.
The darkness does conceal something beyond unreal,
As if the silence hides behind itself the silent cries.
I hesitate and pause, my soul is drenched in fear,
Yet moving on I must, stepping inside – I disappear.

I light my torch and look around, try gazing into dark –
Not much to be admired in ancient tower.
All quiet, not unlike tomb, only my torch does spark,
Or are these sparks of my own fear that me devour?
The desert scorpions and centipedes that crawl around
Make it so gravely clear – I am unwelcomed on their ground.

I gaze above – the darkness hides the secrets of the tower,
No one attends to it, no one’s inside – abandoned view.
Unwelcoming, damp air fills this desperate hour,
The floor, the walls – and air itself – of grayish, lifeless hue.
And only stairs, half-broken, spiral into skies,
Hint to the madness of the ones who try to rise.

“The desperation” – word so poignantly describes my mind,
My very self, my life – past, future, even now –
The desperate have no choice, nothing is left behind,
Neither ahead – not much to find. And yet somehow
I gather strength still left in me, saving the time
From pointless thoughts, regrets and fears – I start the climb.

Slowly I crawl – the shaking legs on stairs half-intact
Do not encourage speed, with which I’d rather climb
My torch seems struggling through the dark, it does retract
From the unknown I seek, myself being pushed through time
Only by my own sense of crime and all the sin,
All rotten thoughts that I conceal within.

The danger of the fall for fallen ones unknown
And yet I tremble, skips a beat my heart when I gaze down
And see but darkness, silent yet alive – I’m not alone!
The tower lives, it’s breath sucks in the air from the ground.
In suffocating hall, I further crawl – I know not where
My deprecating will increases much my own despair.

The climb, so stretched in time, seems like it lasts forever,
Sparks of my torch lick moss on walls to which I cling,
Guiding me through most desperate endeavor –
The depths so far below no answers to me bring,
The cold and the unknown is where alone I head,
Such madness! – yet, to reach such goal one must be mad!

Yet somewhere, very far, unreachable it seems
I see a light, so dim as if being unreal,
As if it’s coming from my own illusive dreams –
It offers hope which darkness can’t conceal.
They say – “Have hope, for God is always just”
I pray this to be true, for moving on – I must!

At times I look into the darkness of abyss,
Which gazes back deep into darkness of my soul,
And brings cold sweat with winds ascending from beneath
But nothing stops me on my way, as I climb to my goal.
The endless climb and my own desperation,
Provoke my mind’s own endless contemplation –

Of what is life? What death will bring? Why am I here?
The tower’s silent, my mind’s not –
As I approach the highest plane of fear
I start my prayer to the God.
Strange how I wish but to be heard for once,
Approaching death, could I be heard perchance?

My life was not as bad as it has been for most
Yet that uneasiness was always driving me insane –
Each time I smiled, it did not last – I paid the cost
Of guilt, consuming my whole self, and ever growing shame
That wicked voice inside of my own weary head
Through my own thoughts and fears unconscious bred.

How pointless is the strife of old and tired world,
How difficult to see the light through constant sin
Living in darkness all my life, such desperation untold
Grew deep inside of me, consumed me from within,
That I could bear not calamity of life
And was being led on desperate search through strife.

Yet what is strife, what do I strive for, why?
If I could contemplate, even in wildest dreams
That happiness or peace were anything but lie,
My search for answers and forgiveness for my sins
Would have a reason – point perchance,
Yet all’s for nothing – I advance.

The journey of my desperation taking long –
Much longer than my torch can blaze in dark
The only torch I’ve had here all along
Is growing weak, and gives its final spark.
Tears fill my eyes, as I remain alone in wretched tower
Where darkness and the cold surround my final hour.

What’s use for crying now, when on the brink of death
I sit on ancient stairs, afraid to move?
Time slowly passes by and heals with every breath
Helps to calm down, a little panic to remove.
The eyes get used to dark – not much but just enough
I slowly crawl to where the light grows still, yet rough.

The light so dim to which I climb, does slowly grow
And then through one of many cracks in mossy walls
A bird flies in – a raven bringing message from below –
Sits on a ledge. Grave silence in the tower falls.
Is it a token of my death, which I should heed?
Or my own sick imagination, and there’s no need?

Black bird is barely seen against the darkened wall
Such motionless reproach in its cold-staring eyes
Shakes me with waves of fear – it’s begging me to fall.
In sweat, I harder grip the wall – preventing my demise.
The raven’s still, no movement in its eyes, no signs of life
With time, I too calm down – fear but confirms – I’m still alive.

The seconds pass, the minutes gone – the bird is still.
The messenger of death does not approach – I’ve yet to live,
And battling through the terror in my heart, gathering my will
I slowly move to where light still grows – so I perceive.
I throw a cautious look at where the bird remains –
It doesn’t move at all, but with its eyes my self contains.

I’m lost in thought, so mesmerized by bird of night
That legs move by themselves, hands firmly against wall
And all I crave for is to reach the distant light
Yet cannot help, but walk towards the fall.
What I expected, why did I surmise
That tower offers anything but my demise?

In panic of my fall I catch the ledge where raven sits.
The blinding power of the light enclosed
The raven – inches from my face – same light emits,
Yet doesn’t move, but stares into my eyes exposed.
With all my strength which still remains I cannot rise, but cry
As raven suddenly, severely, deadly – plucks mine eye!

The pain, the terror, blinding light and desperation
Combine together, as I – drop one much-shaken arm.
The raven leaps into my face, with such an adoration –
Plucks other eye, causing great suffering and harm,
That other arm of mine is now released,
And I fall down, about to be deceased.

The blood which filled my eyes seconds ago
Combined with deadly light to which I crawled
Did not allow the darkness over me to grow
But holds myself in dark red hell enthralled.
Being blinded – darkness should be all I see
Yet final light I saw, seems like it is becoming me!

The time slows down, I hang in space – or so it seems.
Life races fast behind dead eyes while I’m alive,
And all events that seemed so real become but dreams,
As I swing arms in air, and anxiously strive
To keep myself from falling down to my demise.
Yet time resumes – and only light still blinds still eyes.

How long did I proceed with my own climb to death?
Somehow the fall seems like it’s taking longer still
With bloodied, blinded eyes, and suffocating breath
I glide through air so fast, but cannot feel
The thump, which ends my suffering on earth,
Which ends all pain, all pointless hopes and dearth.

Or am I dead, and this is hell? – to fall in pain,
To glide in blindness, praying for demise,
Without one’s eyes, trying to grasp something in vain,
In hope that fall will stop when body dies,
When death denies to take a sinner of such scale? –
In dark red hell I shall eternally prevail.

Tears Filled With Blood

From years of arrogance and lack
You found no choice, but to depart,
Walking away, not looking back,
Leaving a scar deep in my heart.

A wound profound – heart starts to bleed;
Tears filled with blood drip unto soil.
You’ve left behind a single seed,
Planted in blood – I start to toil.

Working the ground with gentle care,
The seed is nurtured through my tears.
How fast time flies – I’m unaware,
The work consumes my deepest fears.

One day, through cracks in blood-stained ground,
A flower broke free from the dark:
Dare I believe that I have found
First time in years, a hopeful spark?

Abandoned Hall

Forgotten corners of my mind
Where creatures lay, hidden in dark,
Where whispers are still heard, and I –
But pray for silence to succumb me whole.

I’m lost in search trying to find
A tiny hope, a single spark
Of light long lost, bright light that I –
Refuse to recognize, but play my role.

When sins return to me in kind
I worry not – fear of the dark
No longer matters when I die –
Death drains my body, not my soul.

Forgotten long ago my mind,
Thick heavy clouds maintain the dark.
Who any hope has left? – not I,
Echos fade in my mind – abandoned hall.


Still standing – moribund,
Pretending that I found
What lies beyond the death,
I draw my final breath.

A body strives to live,
My soul – but to forgive.
Beyond the veil declined
Whole world – but not my mind.

It still perceives the light
And keeps the same old fight.
The lessons still unlearned –
I’m hurled to earth – returned.

Again – I start anew!
It is as if I knew:
The figures in the dream
Are me – or only seem?


The cavern – hidden in the dark,
Abode of death – not seen in light,
And only desperate fools embark
On search of cavern in the night.

The fireflies of sin will spark
Luring the travelers away
Foolish enough to walk in dark,
To wander off the well-lit way.

So many souls thus have been lost,
All kept alive: with eyes cut out,
With deafened ears by their host
And tongues severed – they will not shout.

All tied in cavern under hill:
Some fight the pain, but most – asleep,
Dreaming of torture, losing will,
With sightless eyes that cannot weep.


The body released, as it’s taken away
Into the waters, so strangely obscure.
The lungs, crystallized with salt blocking the way
To pure air forever – life’s so insecure!
You’re ready to go, leaving all this behind
Oblivious to what you are going to find.

And now, somewhere else, the time has been slowed,
Remembering at last the source of your sin,
You are terrified in your formless abode –
The traitorous voices scream from deep within.
What comes after death? You’ve been told it’s pure light
Yet everything’s dark and so chilly inside!

All of the pain, the terror, the strife,
Races through spirit, trapped still in its dream,
All of the nightmares – each life after life –
Remembered at once, in one endless stream.
You’ve failed to awaken – death has no use,
The body is left not through death, but through Truth!

The spirit screams silently – horribly screams! –
With billions of voices – familiar each…
As long as it’s lost in its own wicked dreams
The Heaven remains so far out of reach.
You’re hurled back into “life” to try once again,
“Am I so forsaken!?” – voice whispers: “Amen!”

Too Far Gone

Something has to change,
Something has to give –
Is this world deranged
So hard to forgive?

Am I all alone? –
When I’m lost in thoughts,
Am I too far gone
From my own pure source?

I don’t know – too late!
Searching for an end,
I don’t contemplate,
Nor do I pretend

That all ends with death –
Has it any use?
Ending of my breath
Does not lead to Truth.

The Dead

The dead may sleep,
And so may I
The dead must keep
Tight shut their eye
While they pretend
That it’s a rest
To find one’s end
In death expressed.

Waiting until
The day I die
I struggle still
Living a lie.
Restless as all
Who wait for death
Under control
Of failing breath.

Sonnets of Love – 15

You think of all the things you call your life,
You have suspicion, I am sure,
For there is conflict deep inside.
Right now you’re simply trying to survive –
Survival’s what makes life obscure,
For where it is, death will abide.


Look around you and consider what you see. Are all these things you seem to be seeing are real?

All of these things you see around are going to disappear. The time will destroy every thing and every body your eyes have every perceived.

Can reality be impermanent? Would it not mean that at some point reality will cease to be, cursed by its own impermanence? Even time itself, the seeming master of everything you see around, will eventually have to stop.

How can anything bound by the laws of death be real?

The Laws of Death

You look around and misperceive,
You walk this world and you believe,
That everything you see around
Reflects the laws of time,
To which you’re bound.

The time, a seeming master of your life,
It forces you to live forever in a strife,
To struggle, trying to survive –
Survival you’ve confused with life.

The Laws of Death are rulers in this dream:
It is by their word you die
And realize that life had only seemed –
The rulers of your dream will not conceal a lie,
To hide from you their essence – which you dreamed.

It is a world in which you only seem to live
And you are following these Laws of Death,
Because you’ve chosen to believe
That your life depends on body’s breath.


The ego wishes many things. It made you believe that body is all you have. It proves how real the body is by putting it through suffering and death. How can you argue with such evidence?

Having proved its case about the body, it is not difficult for the ego to convince you of many things the body needs. The ego wishes this or that, telling how you – the body – is incomplete without these things.

And yet, ego’s wishing is without power in reality. It affects you only if you are making it real. You’ve chosen to believe in ego’s idle wishes and it is power of your thought, mistakenly misplaced, that seems to make you suffer.

If you believe in suffering and death, you will certainly create them for yourself. And yet, by creating a perception you are still not making it real.

God wills. He does not wish. Your will is as powerful as His because it is His. The ego’s wishes do not mean anything, because the ego wishes for the impossible. You can wish for the impossible, but you can will only with God. This is the ego’s weakness and your strength. (T-7.X.4:6-11)

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