Spiritual Advance

Love holds no grievances

The Climb

The darkness, wroth, and vile decay of my perception
The thoughts – my own so precious thoughts reveal
How deeply I’ve succumbed into my own deception
And having reached the depths of misery I feel,
I’ve started asking why this world appears to be
And how my eyes such suffering were taught to see.

The town of sin with dirt, that covers all but spires
Is there to tempt, submit to pain and torture me
With guilt, which rises from the depth of my desires
And leads to life so brief – yet full of misery.
Oh, wretched fate, why am I brought to knees before
My own so wicked mind, with its so wicked lore?

The spires rising into sky, unseen from down below
Are told to hide the answers to the pain I feel.
I make my way through solemn crowds, moving so slow –
With trembling hand held on the handle of my steel,
In fear concealed, my body shakes, yet I proceed –
Fear of my past makes me increase my speed.

The streets, stretch tortuously, hissing behind my back.
The dwellings welcome not a stranger from the night
The beggars stretch their arms – I stretch my soul with bigger lack –
What’s left inside of me, what is so rife but my own fright?
Determined to proceed, reflecting gazes of such hate,
I solemnly exceed the expectations of my fate.

The madmen and vile rogues walk streets of ancient town,
With hungry faces, searching eyes and stretching arms,
They’re reaching out to grab me, seize me, take me down,
Only my sword half sheathed protecting me from harms.
Yet what am I? – Myself a wicked madman too!
I am no different from them – the things I’d do! –

To find the answers of my long-forgotten past,
To end the guilt, the shame, the thoughts that tear my mind,
To be relieved of weary life for which I lust –
My eyes show me but sin – I’d rather have them blind!
Yet I’ve arrived to entrance of the ancient tower
The darkest halls inside – do lure, devour.

No one is here, no need the entrance to protect –
Only the desperate fools, with their own lives so blear,
Come searching for the answers they expect –
The ones who dare to enter – disappear.
Yet through my shame, I grew so desperate indeed,
Like Life, the Death itself has in me little need.

The halls are silent, yet alive – somehow I feel
The presence, that cannot be seen with human eyes.
The darkness does conceal something beyond unreal,
As if the silence hides behind itself the silent cries.
I hesitate and pause, my soul is drenched in fear,
Yet moving on I must, stepping inside – I disappear.

I light my torch and look around, try gazing into dark –
Not much to be admired in ancient tower.
All quiet, not unlike tomb, only my torch does spark,
Or are these sparks of my own fear that me devour?
The desert scorpions and centipedes that crawl around
Make it so gravely clear – I am unwelcomed on their ground.

I gaze above – the darkness hides the secrets of the tower,
No one attends to it, no one’s inside – abandoned view.
Unwelcoming, damp air fills this desperate hour,
The floor, the walls – and air itself – of grayish, lifeless hue.
And only stairs, half-broken, spiral into skies,
Hint to the madness of the ones who try to rise.

“The desperation” – word so poignantly describes my mind,
My very self, my life – past, future, even now –
The desperate have no choice, nothing is left behind,
Neither ahead – not much to find. And yet somehow
I gather strength still left in me, saving the time
From pointless thoughts, regrets and fears – I start the climb.

Slowly I crawl – the shaking legs on stairs half-intact
Do not encourage speed, with which I’d rather climb
My torch seems struggling through the dark, it does retract
From the unknown I seek, myself being pushed through time
Only by my own sense of crime and all the sin,
All rotten thoughts that I conceal within.

The danger of the fall for fallen ones unknown
And yet I tremble, skips a beat my heart when I gaze down
And see but darkness, silent yet alive – I’m not alone!
The tower lives, it’s breath sucks in the air from the ground.
In suffocating hall, I further crawl – I know not where
My deprecating will increases much my own despair.

The climb, so stretched in time, seems like it lasts forever,
Sparks of my torch lick moss on walls to which I cling,
Guiding me through most desperate endeavor –
The depths so far below no answers to me bring,
The cold and the unknown is where alone I head,
Such madness! – yet, to reach such goal one must be mad!

Yet somewhere, very far, unreachable it seems
I see a light, so dim as if being unreal,
As if it’s coming from my own illusive dreams –
It offers hope which darkness can’t conceal.
They say – “Have hope, for God is always just”
I pray this to be true, for moving on – I must!

At times I look into the darkness of abyss,
Which gazes back deep into darkness of my soul,
And brings cold sweat with winds ascending from beneath
But nothing stops me on my way, as I climb to my goal.
The endless climb and my own desperation,
Provoke my mind’s own endless contemplation –

Of what is life? What death will bring? Why am I here?
The tower’s silent, my mind’s not –
As I approach the highest plane of fear
I start my prayer to the God.
Strange how I wish but to be heard for once,
Approaching death, could I be heard perchance?

My life was not as bad as it has been for most
Yet that uneasiness was always driving me insane –
Each time I smiled, it did not last – I paid the cost
Of guilt, consuming my whole self, and ever growing shame
That wicked voice inside of my own weary head
Through my own thoughts and fears unconscious bred.

How pointless is the strife of old and tired world,
How difficult to see the light through constant sin
Living in darkness all my life, such desperation untold
Grew deep inside of me, consumed me from within,
That I could bear not calamity of life
And was being led on desperate search through strife.

Yet what is strife, what do I strive for, why?
If I could contemplate, even in wildest dreams
That happiness or peace were anything but lie,
My search for answers and forgiveness for my sins
Would have a reason – point perchance,
Yet all’s for nothing – I advance.

The journey of my desperation taking long –
Much longer than my torch can blaze in dark
The only torch I’ve had here all along
Is growing weak, and gives its final spark.
Tears fill my eyes, as I remain alone in wretched tower
Where darkness and the cold surround my final hour.

What’s use for crying now, when on the brink of death
I sit on ancient stairs, afraid to move?
Time slowly passes by and heals with every breath
Helps to calm down, a little panic to remove.
The eyes get used to dark – not much but just enough
I slowly crawl to where the light grows still, yet rough.

The light so dim to which I climb, does slowly grow
And then through one of many cracks in mossy walls
A bird flies in – a raven bringing message from below –
Sits on a ledge. Grave silence in the tower falls.
Is it a token of my death, which I should heed?
Or my own sick imagination, and there’s no need?

Black bird is barely seen against the darkened wall
Such motionless reproach in its cold-staring eyes
Shakes me with waves of fear – it’s begging me to fall.
In sweat, I harder grip the wall – preventing my demise.
The raven’s still, no movement in its eyes, no signs of life
With time, I too calm down – fear but confirms – I’m still alive.

The seconds pass, the minutes gone – the bird is still.
The messenger of death does not approach – I’ve yet to live,
And battling through the terror in my heart, gathering my will
I slowly move to where light still grows – so I perceive.
I throw a cautious look at where the bird remains –
It doesn’t move at all, but with its eyes my self contains.

I’m lost in thought, so mesmerized by bird of night
That legs move by themselves, hands firmly against wall
And all I crave for is to reach the distant light
Yet cannot help, but walk towards the fall.
What I expected, why did I surmise
That tower offers anything but my demise?

In panic of my fall I catch the ledge where raven sits.
The blinding power of the light enclosed
The raven – inches from my face – same light emits,
Yet doesn’t move, but stares into my eyes exposed.
With all my strength which still remains I cannot rise, but cry
As raven suddenly, severely, deadly – plucks mine eye!

The pain, the terror, blinding light and desperation
Combine together, as I – drop one much-shaken arm.
The raven leaps into my face, with such an adoration –
Plucks other eye, causing great suffering and harm,
That other arm of mine is now released,
And I fall down, about to be deceased.

The blood which filled my eyes seconds ago
Combined with deadly light to which I crawled
Did not allow the darkness over me to grow
But holds myself in dark red hell enthralled.
Being blinded – darkness should be all I see
Yet final light I saw, seems like it is becoming me!

The time slows down, I hang in space – or so it seems.
Life races fast behind dead eyes while I’m alive,
And all events that seemed so real become but dreams,
As I swing arms in air, and anxiously strive
To keep myself from falling down to my demise.
Yet time resumes – and only light still blinds still eyes.

How long did I proceed with my own climb to death?
Somehow the fall seems like it’s taking longer still
With bloodied, blinded eyes, and suffocating breath
I glide through air so fast, but cannot feel
The thump, which ends my suffering on earth,
Which ends all pain, all pointless hopes and dearth.

Or am I dead, and this is hell? – to fall in pain,
To glide in blindness, praying for demise,
Without one’s eyes, trying to grasp something in vain,
In hope that fall will stop when body dies,
When death denies to take a sinner of such scale? –
In dark red hell I shall eternally prevail.

Words

What could I offer you with words?
Presumptuous utterances blind
To real feelings our heart holds,
To deeper workings of our mind.

What could I say that helps the pain,
Or soothes soul in moments dark?
Words short of truth could maybe feign
Could maybe aim near the mark.

And how could I support my friend,
But through the gratitude unsaid.
Remaining in my heart, I lend,
In silent sadness, helping hand.

Let’s realize – all comes to pass.
We’re but a leaf amidst the wind,
Still fighting, trying to surpass
The guilt for all the sins we sinned.

If I Could Comprehend

Upon awaking into day,
As I am opening my eyes,
Still drowsy, sober, as I lay
I wipe the tears of recent cries,

And offer thanks for Holy Light –
Offer my gratitude to God
For guiding me through darkest night,
For taking me so far beyond.

Constant companion of mine
My Guide through life and only Friend,
He teaches through the Love Divine.
Alas! – if I could comprehend

The silent words, His gentle touch,
I would have been much better off.
Yet if I’m deaf, I can’t hear much,
And being blind, won’t see His Love.

The Veil

Blind eyes perceive the light in hues of blood
Deaf ears will choose to pick up words of pain.
Interpretation of a mind distraught
Brings little more than shadows to attain.

You are a choice made in the mind asleep
The dreams will govern your beliefs at night –
Same dreams in day maintain illusions deep;
Same sins maintain the veil, hiding the light.

 

Forlorn

Dead eyes still following my dreams
Cold voice still heard at dusk or dawn,
Dry tears awaken me in screams
Old memories still live – forlorn.

And all the pointless words that ring
With deafening silence in my ears
The sins of past to which I cling
While future’s hope blinded by tears.

Time slowly flows and hardly heals
Evasive wish to reconcile
The hurts and lies and cries and shrills –
Dead hope of tortured, blind exile.

I never dreamed of hell before
I never thought that I would mourn
The death of dust stuck at the door
Into new life – entrance forlorn.

A Glimpse of Light

I do not see much hope in sadness,
Yet can’t perceive a different way.
Succumbed to pointless, sickening madness
Dark, thickest clouds block light of day.

And all my tears – they’re of no essence,
For they will never warm your heart.
Never again your gentle presence
Will softly tear the clouds apart.

And so I find my way in darkness:
Cold, terrified, alone and mad,
With thoughts impure, vile and heartless,
I see no light – still not yet dead.

Another day is gone – good riddance!
The darkness haunts me less at night.
Closing my eyes, in silent distance
I just might catch a glimpse of light.

 

Strength to Cope

“You never once appreciated
And never truly understood
The path I walk – depreciated.
The words I spoke – misunderstood.

You never truly contemplated
Your own desire to find the Light;
Sold soul, made body consecrated
Condemned to blindly walk the night.”

So says a madman lost in fears –
With dull and rusty blade of knife
Cut out his eyes to stop the tears,
Not having strength living the life

Where light of day reminds of pain
And darkness holds the only hope
For darkened soul caught in the rain
Praying for death – or strength to cope.

Countless

Seemingly countless,
Unimaginable
Sins yet to confess.

Accusations groundless,
Unexplainable,
Voiced nevertheless.

Consciousness boundless
Unfathomable –
I quietly profess

Love – always soundless
Indefatigable
That no word can express.

Your Love

The Love that You have shared
Through Voice of Holy Light
Makes me no longer scared,
Roaming the night.

Your presence lingers here –
I’m bathed in gratitude
Your Voice is heard so near
Even in solitude.

The loneliness forgotten –
I hold the hand of Yours,
The Savior of downtrodden;
Love silently endures.

Such Love is all that matters
In dreams strangely obscure.
Your Holy Spirit shatters
The sin’s allure.

Captivated

I have been captivated –
World seen through tears,
Renewed, illuminated,
Has captured me in recent years.

Light shines a little brighter
Through lens of pain.
The weight is somewhat lighter –
I’ve come to terms with life again.

Complaints – they hardly matter
To me these days.
I consciously shatter
The memories of my old ways.

I will be liberated
One day – I’m sure.
Reborn and consecrated,
The soul forgets this world obscure.

Not a Word

It’s difficult to find the words –
Pain does not effortlessly flow
Through time and space – no hope towards
The fool who reaps just what he sows.

The tragedy – dark, haunting, vile,
Hidden within half-broken heart,
Weighs still upon the lone exile,
Splits mind in two – sets love apart.

Heartbroken memories we keep
Remind of healing never done,
Of never undertaken leap
Of faith we hesitantly shun.

But as words still fail to express
The sentiment which can’t be heard
I pray: allow me to confess
My feelings, saying not a word.

Tears Filled With Blood

From years of arrogance and lack
You found no choice, but to depart,
Walking away, not looking back,
Leaving a scar deep in my heart.

A wound profound – heart starts to bleed;
Tears filled with blood drip unto soil.
You’ve left behind a single seed,
Planted in blood – I start to toil.

Working the ground with gentle care,
The seed is nurtured through my tears.
How fast time flies – I’m unaware,
The work consumes my deepest fears.

One day, through cracks in blood-stained ground,
A flower broke free from the dark:
Dare I believe that I have found
First time in years, a hopeful spark?

Feminine Grace

Her pure feminine grace
Under the gentle bluish light
Reflects the sadness on her face
Seen clear as day – in day and night.

And in her innocent bright eyes
Still flickers shadow of a hope –
Eternal hope which never dies
Even as life seems hard to cope.

Light shadow cast from cloudy skies
Denies the remnants of all doubt –
That as she smiles, she also cries
With tears that nourish gentle sprout.

Her gentle feminine grace
Blesses with life creation pure
And sprout of love leaves hopeful trace
That from all ills there is a cure.

Only God

I have been bitter – God forgive my bitterness of late.
I have been lonely – loneliness upon my soul a shade.
I have been tired – but alas, no rest I can perceive –
Yet I am blessed – I thank You for blessing I receive.

I will be mindful – mindfulness will teach Eternal Law,
The beauty of the Light will shine as I walk to and fro:
Towards the Light and from the dark – if only I perceive
Your Guidance in the dead of night – a blessing I receive.

I have been sour – all my life had seemingly collapsed
As I was weary from the fact that time now had elapsed,
And tarry I no longer can – I’m grateful for this fact,
For moving on my path I must – the path that You elect.

No longer bitter – understood mistakes that I have made,
No longer lonely – You have come and swept away the shade.
Yet tired still – even as I walk on the holy road,
And all the blessing I have asked, You gave me – only God.

Were I Not Fool

Were I not fool, I’d heed her words and listen to her love.
I’d judge her not, and argue not, and in the dark of night
I would be close, holding her hand, even when times were tough,
And darkness would have us embraced, and saved us from our plight.

Were I not fool, seeing the signs how fragile was her grace
I would be still, calm, peaceful, strong, and falter I would not,
I would have changed my thoughts, my fears, could still have seen her face
And in the dark of weary night, her love I would have sought.

 Were I not fool, I would have known that patience runs its course —
For days, for years it gently waits, before it runs away.
I could have seen how with each day fell petals of a rose
That was our love, yet tended not, it would not wait and stay.

Yet I’m a fool, and always was, and still remain the same,
The many things I cared for, the whims I still protect,
The fears that scared away our love, and brought about the shame
Now might be gone — but so is she — what else could I expect?

Flowers

Brought you flowers –
Smelling sweetly
They encourage
To forgive.

Will you bother?
It’s not easy –
I have not much
Left to give.

I am asking
For your guidance –
How can I get
Through to you?

Realize that
What we’re having
Others had – yes,
But a few.

Skepticism that
You have nurtured
Does not help to
See the truth.

All mistakes are
Nonexistent –
I am hoping
For a truce.

Maybe given
Little time to
See all things in
Proper light,

We will manage
To restore us –
Gently loving
Is our right.

Flowers dying –
Is all hopeless?
Do we fade just
As they do?

What a nonsense!
We’re not bodies –
Love makes one of
What was two.

Temptations of Dead

You entered through gate now forgotten –
No meaning behind wretched doors,
But lost souls – the tortured, downtrodden,
You’ve fallen for devil – of course!

For who could resist such temptation
Of demons to dance around you?
Who’d bother to pray for redemption?
Who’d fall for such hell if he knew! –

The truth – traitorous voices have silenced
The words which still call for release
Of soul in perpetual violence,
Yet choice’s yours to make – if you please.

No threats of the thunderous voices
Still savored through thoughts in your head
Prevent you from making right choices
And leave the temptations of dead.

Corrupted Land

Exemplified in death
The sin and the defense
To keep the tired breath
Within the crumbling fence.

Stalks shadows in the night
The child, lost long ago,
Who’s overcome with blight –
The wild blood flows below.

Who will repent the sin
When pain makes it so real?
The moment we begin
To strain for the unreal

We are already lost –
No savior offers hand.
Damnation is the cost
To walk corrupted land.

A Thrall

It is indeed a miracle
That with such little faith
And all the judgments typical
You constantly embrace

You still remain unchangeable
Beyond the worldly strives –
In ways to you intangible
Soul unaffected lies.

And through the constant challenges
You’re facing in your life
Forgotten is your happiness –
You battle, fight and strive!

What’s use blaming the circumstance
When you do not control
Your own forgotten commonsense? –
Your mind holds you a thrall.

Madman

There is a madman in the wild
Walking closer to my house
With his steps all is defiled.

I prepare, as time allows
For the madman coming in
I can feel the fear within.

Madman roams outside my door
In suspension of the fear
I can’t take it anymore,

As the madman comes so near,
Gazing through the window frame,
Watching with his eyes insane,

Silence covers the unknown –
I can feel the madman breathe,
Breath much heavier than my own.

And the fear crawls underneath
My own flesh and my own skin,
As if burning for my sin,

I submit to fear and pain
Giving in and giving up
I’m defeated through my shame –

Madman got me in his trap
Once I’m caught, there’s no way out
It remains but scream and shout:

“Stranger leave myself alone!
Just get out and leave me be,
I can’t live life on your loan…”

All is dark, I cannot see
Yet the curtains still reveal
Madman’s shadow that I feel.


Even in the depths of hell
I’m not stranger to my Self,
Yet a stranger is inside.

From my thoughts I cannot hide,
Racing mind I can’t control
As it plays the madman’s role.

Much is said, much less is done –
Madman roams just as before,
I’m afraid that I’ve become

But a madman at my core.
Wretched stranger to my Self,
I’ve succumbed to madman’s hell.

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