The darkness, wroth, and vile decay of my perception
The thoughts – my own so precious thoughts reveal
How deeply I’ve succumbed into my own deception
And having reached the depths of misery I feel,
I’ve started asking why this world appears to be
And how my eyes such suffering were taught to see.
The town of sin with dirt, that covers all but spires
Is there to tempt, submit to pain and torture me
With guilt, which rises from the depth of my desires
And leads to life so brief – yet full of misery.
Oh, wretched fate, why am I brought to knees before
My own so wicked mind, with its so wicked lore?
The spires rising into sky, unseen from down below
Are told to hide the answers to the pain I feel.
I make my way through solemn crowds, moving so slow –
With trembling hand held on the handle of my steel,
In fear concealed, my body shakes, yet I proceed –
Fear of my past makes me increase my speed.
The streets, stretch tortuously, hissing behind my back.
The dwellings welcome not a stranger from the night
The beggars stretch their arms – I stretch my soul with bigger lack –
What’s left inside of me, what is so rife but my own fright?
Determined to proceed, reflecting gazes of such hate,
I solemnly exceed the expectations of my fate.
The madmen and vile rogues walk streets of ancient town,
With hungry faces, searching eyes and stretching arms,
They’re reaching out to grab me, seize me, take me down,
Only my sword half sheathed protecting me from harms.
Yet what am I? – Myself a wicked madman too!
I am no different from them – the things I’d do! –
To find the answers of my long-forgotten past,
To end the guilt, the shame, the thoughts that tear my mind,
To be relieved of weary life for which I lust –
My eyes show me but sin – I’d rather have them blind!
Yet I’ve arrived to entrance of the ancient tower
The darkest halls inside – do lure, devour.
No one is here, no need the entrance to protect –
Only the desperate fools, with their own lives so blear,
Come searching for the answers they expect –
The ones who dare to enter – disappear.
Yet through my shame, I grew so desperate indeed,
Like Life, the Death itself has in me little need.
The halls are silent, yet alive – somehow I feel
The presence, that cannot be seen with human eyes.
The darkness does conceal something beyond unreal,
As if the silence hides behind itself the silent cries.
I hesitate and pause, my soul is drenched in fear,
Yet moving on I must, stepping inside – I disappear.
I light my torch and look around, try gazing into dark –
Not much to be admired in ancient tower.
All quiet, not unlike tomb, only my torch does spark,
Or are these sparks of my own fear that me devour?
The desert scorpions and centipedes that crawl around
Make it so gravely clear – I am unwelcomed on their ground.
I gaze above – the darkness hides the secrets of the tower,
No one attends to it, no one’s inside – abandoned view.
Unwelcoming, damp air fills this desperate hour,
The floor, the walls – and air itself – of grayish, lifeless hue.
And only stairs, half-broken, spiral into skies,
Hint to the madness of the ones who try to rise.
“The desperation” – word so poignantly describes my mind,
My very self, my life – past, future, even now –
The desperate have no choice, nothing is left behind,
Neither ahead – not much to find. And yet somehow
I gather strength still left in me, saving the time
From pointless thoughts, regrets and fears – I start the climb.
Slowly I crawl – the shaking legs on stairs half-intact
Do not encourage speed, with which I’d rather climb
My torch seems struggling through the dark, it does retract
From the unknown I seek, myself being pushed through time
Only by my own sense of crime and all the sin,
All rotten thoughts that I conceal within.
The danger of the fall for fallen ones unknown
And yet I tremble, skips a beat my heart when I gaze down
And see but darkness, silent yet alive – I’m not alone!
The tower lives, it’s breath sucks in the air from the ground.
In suffocating hall, I further crawl – I know not where
My deprecating will increases much my own despair.
The climb, so stretched in time, seems like it lasts forever,
Sparks of my torch lick moss on walls to which I cling,
Guiding me through most desperate endeavor –
The depths so far below no answers to me bring,
The cold and the unknown is where alone I head,
Such madness! – yet, to reach such goal one must be mad!
Yet somewhere, very far, unreachable it seems
I see a light, so dim as if being unreal,
As if it’s coming from my own illusive dreams –
It offers hope which darkness can’t conceal.
They say – “Have hope, for God is always just”
I pray this to be true, for moving on – I must!
At times I look into the darkness of abyss,
Which gazes back deep into darkness of my soul,
And brings cold sweat with winds ascending from beneath
But nothing stops me on my way, as I climb to my goal.
The endless climb and my own desperation,
Provoke my mind’s own endless contemplation –
Of what is life? What death will bring? Why am I here?
The tower’s silent, my mind’s not –
As I approach the highest plane of fear
I start my prayer to the God.
Strange how I wish but to be heard for once,
Approaching death, could I be heard perchance?
My life was not as bad as it has been for most
Yet that uneasiness was always driving me insane –
Each time I smiled, it did not last – I paid the cost
Of guilt, consuming my whole self, and ever growing shame
That wicked voice inside of my own weary head
Through my own thoughts and fears unconscious bred.
How pointless is the strife of old and tired world,
How difficult to see the light through constant sin
Living in darkness all my life, such desperation untold
Grew deep inside of me, consumed me from within,
That I could bear not calamity of life
And was being led on desperate search through strife.
Yet what is strife, what do I strive for, why?
If I could contemplate, even in wildest dreams
That happiness or peace were anything but lie,
My search for answers and forgiveness for my sins
Would have a reason – point perchance,
Yet all’s for nothing – I advance.
The journey of my desperation taking long –
Much longer than my torch can blaze in dark
The only torch I’ve had here all along
Is growing weak, and gives its final spark.
Tears fill my eyes, as I remain alone in wretched tower
Where darkness and the cold surround my final hour.
What’s use for crying now, when on the brink of death
I sit on ancient stairs, afraid to move?
Time slowly passes by and heals with every breath
Helps to calm down, a little panic to remove.
The eyes get used to dark – not much but just enough
I slowly crawl to where the light grows still, yet rough.
The light so dim to which I climb, does slowly grow
And then through one of many cracks in mossy walls
A bird flies in – a raven bringing message from below –
Sits on a ledge. Grave silence in the tower falls.
Is it a token of my death, which I should heed?
Or my own sick imagination, and there’s no need?
Black bird is barely seen against the darkened wall
Such motionless reproach in its cold-staring eyes
Shakes me with waves of fear – it’s begging me to fall.
In sweat, I harder grip the wall – preventing my demise.
The raven’s still, no movement in its eyes, no signs of life
With time, I too calm down – fear but confirms – I’m still alive.
The seconds pass, the minutes gone – the bird is still.
The messenger of death does not approach – I’ve yet to live,
And battling through the terror in my heart, gathering my will
I slowly move to where light still grows – so I perceive.
I throw a cautious look at where the bird remains –
It doesn’t move at all, but with its eyes my self contains.
I’m lost in thought, so mesmerized by bird of night
That legs move by themselves, hands firmly against wall
And all I crave for is to reach the distant light
Yet cannot help, but walk towards the fall.
What I expected, why did I surmise
That tower offers anything but my demise?
In panic of my fall I catch the ledge where raven sits.
The blinding power of the light enclosed
The raven – inches from my face – same light emits,
Yet doesn’t move, but stares into my eyes exposed.
With all my strength which still remains I cannot rise, but cry
As raven suddenly, severely, deadly – plucks mine eye!
The pain, the terror, blinding light and desperation
Combine together, as I – drop one much-shaken arm.
The raven leaps into my face, with such an adoration –
Plucks other eye, causing great suffering and harm,
That other arm of mine is now released,
And I fall down, about to be deceased.
The blood which filled my eyes seconds ago
Combined with deadly light to which I crawled
Did not allow the darkness over me to grow
But holds myself in dark red hell enthralled.
Being blinded – darkness should be all I see
Yet final light I saw, seems like it is becoming me!
The time slows down, I hang in space – or so it seems.
Life races fast behind dead eyes while I’m alive,
And all events that seemed so real become but dreams,
As I swing arms in air, and anxiously strive
To keep myself from falling down to my demise.
Yet time resumes – and only light still blinds still eyes.
How long did I proceed with my own climb to death?
Somehow the fall seems like it’s taking longer still
With bloodied, blinded eyes, and suffocating breath
I glide through air so fast, but cannot feel
The thump, which ends my suffering on earth,
Which ends all pain, all pointless hopes and dearth.
Or am I dead, and this is hell? – to fall in pain,
To glide in blindness, praying for demise,
Without one’s eyes, trying to grasp something in vain,
In hope that fall will stop when body dies,
When death denies to take a sinner of such scale? –
In dark red hell I shall eternally prevail.